What they say!    What they mean!

From Leeds Teacher, December 12th.

At this time of year we often receive Christmas cards with messages - some heartfelt, some going t hrough the motions and some rather more ambivalent. A good time of year then to look at some of the phrases officers at Leeds NUT have heard whilst out and about in schools across our city and our interpretation of what is often really meant.  Some are the proclamations of those headteachers who, to use a euphemistic phrase borrowed from the police, are “known to the office”, Others are the utterances of various ‘movers and shakers’ whose orbit periodically crosses our path. Of course some buzzwords are already well known.

Outstanding is what everyone is expected to be. Good means no better than you should be and Requires Improvement means go away and shoot yourself. Now for the rest!

Statement: Whatever decision we make the children will be at the very centre of it.

Meaning: Brace yourselves staff: Something very nasty is about to land on you!

Statement: I am not afraid of unions.

Meaning: I am very insecure in my role and very jittery about meeting the elected representatives of the staff employed in my school - people who will actually know what they are talking about.

Statement: Really it is all about time management.

Meaning: You don’t seriously expect to have a life as well as teach for a living surely. Are you mad?

Statement: This is very much the direction of travel.

Meaning: I am keen to jump onto the latest flavour of the month / bandwagon / gravy train and, who knows, there might be something in it for me. Wayhey!

Statement: This could be a valuable developmental opportunity.
Meaning: I want to dump an onerous responsibility on you for little or no reward in the foreseeable future. Have fun sucker!

Statement: We are the worst funded primary school in Leeds.

Meaning: Like every other primary school in Leeds we need more dosh. Lend us a tenner!

Statement These are non negotiables.

Meaning Here are a set of arbitrary, possibly petty and fairly random rules which I have decided to impose but cannot be bothered discussing or explaining. Now leave me alone!

Statement A number of parents have been complaining about lack of homework.
Meaning One parent has complained and he is on the governing body and always likes to carp on about this. I hate him but I fear him also.

Statement: There is too much litter in our school and in and around our school grounds.
Meaning: There will always be too much litter - it is improbable that there would ever be just enough or too little but it gives me an excuse to complain about something, implying that it is somehow your fault. Have a nice day!

Statement: I think it is important that we are not negative about this.
Meaning: Who gave you the right to an opinion? Only speak if you’ve got nice things to say. Here are some spectacles – the rosy tints will help your perspective. That’ll be a fiver!

Statement: We have been advised that to give this information may contravene the data protection Act.
Meaning: Not telling you! Nyahhhhhh!

Statement: Your pay and conditions of service of service will not be affected.

Meaning: For the (chuckle chuckle) moment your pay and (chortle chortle) conditions of service will not be (tee hee) affected (Ha ha ha ha!) Don’t worry you’ll get what’s coming to you!

Merry Christmas to all our members